wardrobe remix...

I love my boys’ baby pictures, but I sometimes giggle at the wardrobe choices I made for them at the time.  I mean how many sailor suits does one baby need?  There they were; adorable, chubby, grinning babies, but looking as if they were going to be captain of a cruise ship or joining the navy.  Sometimes, they were dressed in little suits with bowties or little preppy looking tennis outfits. I can’t take all the blame. Some of these mini clothing calamities came courtesy of their grandparents. Needless to say, those styles don’t fit any of their personalities now that they are grown. And if God had chosen to give me a daughter, there would not have been enough room in the camera frame for all the pink frilled tutus, polka dotted ruffles, and humongous hair bows. But for all of us more grown up girls and boys, this reminds me of an important truth: how we dress can send out messages about us, whether we mean for it to or not. If you study the Bible, you can see that often people were identified by the way they were dressed:

- You may read about the garment of a widow, or someone told to dress for mourning the dead in sackcloth and ash.  (2 Samuel 3:31)
-You can read a warning from God stating that women should not dress like men and men should not dress like women.  (Deuteronomy 22:5)
-You can also read a warning for a man to avoid a woman dressed seductively or in the clothing of a harlot.  (Proverbs 7)

I am not trying to specifically address those verses here at this time but I do want to caution girls to be careful about their apparel, whether they inadvertently dress in a provocative way because they have seen the same fads promoted as the ideal for beauty, or because they deliberately reveal their hidden charms to court the attention of guys.
One thing that is important to note: A girl may have the heart of an angel and dress suggestively while on the other hand a girl may dress like a puritan-covered up from her neck to her toes-but still carry herself in a way as to appear seductive. Yes, it’s true that God looks at the heart and not what is on the outside, but there is something important to think about here, especially for girls, in this wired for visual world that is designed to tantalize the eyes of men.

I don’t plan to lay out a way that I think every girl should dress in order to be appropriate-although I could point you to some girls I know who are great examples of a young girl who dresses in a stylish and still modest way. There is no list or such a thing as “Christian clothes”. I think it is difficult, not impossible, but difficult to find modest clothing and even if you do, fashions change from year to year so this year’s craze will be next year’s cast-offs.  And let me also say that every guy is responsible before God to be careful where his eyes and heart are focused. But not all guys care what God thinks about how they look at a girl. Around the wrong kind of guy, you are risking your own safety. Around the worst kind of guy, you may find that he has interpreted a message you never intended to send to anyone, yet you find yourself regretting the threat you have attracted and regretting it in the worst possible way… at the very least you may be made to feel uneasy, and at the very most, you may come to be harmed…just by dressing in even a slightly revealing manner. I have had very heart breaking discussions with girls who grieve the outcome of testing out their attractiveness to guys by the way they were dressed. I think if most women (even the noblest of women) were really honest, they could find something in their past dress or behavior around other guys to cause at least some disappointment. I have my own misgivings about fashion follies, both innocent and deliberate. Some were just plain embarrassing and some caused me regret. So this is not a judgment I am throwing down from some high horse. I mean this as an affectionate warning from someone who is sympathetic to the hazards of being naïve to the effect of a little flashing of skin. Some guys will take it as a sign of flirtation. Don’t buy into the lie sold by the Abercrombie and Fitch ads and don’t let it give you a complex similar to that which permeates our society.

The first book of Timothy gives us vital instructions on this matter; “… in like manner also, that the women adorn themselves in modest apparel, with propriety and moderation….. which is proper for women professing godliness, with good works.”  1 Timothy 2:9-10(NKJV).  This advice helps us guard against the inclination to dress in a way that might give us an outcome that ends up being much less desirable than we think it will be in the moment. Just ask yourself this question: In choosing what I wear today, whose attention am I trying to gain? Don’t send a miscommunicated message by dressing for the wrong person. You are very precious to God and created by Him to bring glory to His name. Let Him shine through and show the world the grace and beauty of a girl after God’s own heart who is devoted to worshipping Him.

Oh Lord, help me to have the right intent of heart in the way I present myself to the world… letting the way I dress be an outward reflection  of my desire not to distract from the gospel or Your glory, trusting that Your ways are best in all things.

life guard...

Have you ever had a moment when you felt lost, without direction, or puzzled about your purpose? So often, we are all scrambling to fill the hours we spend here on earth with things that have no meaning at all. Even worse, we are trying to fill the empty void in our soul with these hollow pursuits as well. It is a futile attempt that leaves us exhausted and easily dragged into believing all the lies that are out there. Everyone has experienced it to one degree or another.  It is much like swimming upstream; arms and legs are thrashing in the water with no forward motion because you are going against the current and are weighed down with all the cares and the ideals of the world. Not only is there no forward motion….you are at risk of drifting backwards or even eventually sinking to the bottom.

During my college years, I had the opportunity to serve each summer at a church camp. One summer they were in need of more life guards so I decided to go through lifeguard training. I thought this would be an easy A kinda class.  I was a good swimmer and felt I was fully capable of refereeing a game of sharks and minnows or helping a kid out of the water if they were having trouble. But I learned how important it is to be very knowledgeable about the very serious risks and dangers that can suddenly arise when you are just trying to have fun in the water. That knowledge, when applied, can save you from a disaster. One of the greatest dangers (and this is the lesson our instructor wanted us to give our closest attention) is an undertow that creates a rip current. The rip current creates a fierce flow of water that pulls the swimmer farther out to sea and tenaciously holds you in a pattern of trying to swim back to shore and never making any progress. Most vacationing beach goers don’t know that to get out of a rip current you must swim parallel with the shore until you paddle out of the powerful undertow. Sadly, swimmers often drown because they become exhausted in their efforts when that one little nugget of knowledge would have helped to release the current’s grip.

Sin is like a rip current…a powerful undertow that pulls us away from focusing on God and His truths. His word is our key to knowing how to avoid getting caught in a current of sin, false teachings, and the lies that try to overwhelm us. And listen to me when I say this girl, we don’t just drift toward God; we must seek Him...we must strive towards Him. And in this world in which we live we are swimming against the flow.  But knowing God’s word and the truth of Jesus and salvation we can own the skills we need to navigate the murky depths, knowing the truth from falsehood, and make it safely back to shore. He is the Light House in the dark night; our Anchor in rough seas….He is our Life guard and our Rescuer.

“We must pay much closer attention to what we have heard, lest we drift away…..”  Hebrews 2:1

Oh Lord, I look to You and Your word always and only…paying much closer attention so by Your power I am able to stay anchored in Truth.

so mean...

We have all heard the saying, “If you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all.” The saying at our house is “Only kind words.”  Truth be told, we are all prone to spout from the pit of our flesh and not the core of the spirit God gives us. Then we either end up with self-loathing regret or constantly making excuses for our lingual lapses. It takes a pro-active, premeditated approach on our part, keeping in mind that words matter to God (just read Matthew 12:36 and James chapter 3) …and mean words and actions can be harmful to the hearts He created. Moreover, our ability to be an example of a girl after God’s own heart can bear a serious blemish due to the “mean girl” reputation.  I have to say, I have regrets about my own mean words.  I have also seen it in the church, young and old. So let’s talk about what exactly this mean stuff is. We don’t get to define it for ourselves; God has already outlined it in his word.

Criticism:  Although this word is not always used to express fault –finding, it is commonly taken to mean some kind of disapproval.  Often under the pretense of helpful guidance, a word or two may be spoken and have unintended consequence.  We may make a seemingly simple comment about someone’s abilities, ideas, or appearance not knowing we have cut to the quick on a sensitive subject.  “Speaking the truth in love…” (Ephesians 4:15) does not imply that you can smile at your friend while you say her outfit is ugly or her make-up is awful. That verse (and really the whole chapter) is a call to tell the truth about Christ without sugarcoating it or watering it down…and without being self-righteous or prideful.  The beginning of Ephesians chapter 4 tells us to “…live a life worthy of the calling you have received. Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love.” There may be something going on in a person's heart, something that needs healing or a word of encouragement. Think before you speak. It is not OK to slam someone and call it constructive criticism.  

Unnecessary input:  My husband often tells our kids: “Just because you have a lot of thoughts or opinions about something, doesn’t mean you always have to share them.”   This is true. Maybe we don’t possess the place of authority to say something or we don’t know all the facts. Unnecessary input can further complicate an already tense situation. Often friendship and support, or just knowing you are there pray and listen is what is necessary. The timing or setting may not be right either. It can be unnecessarily cruel to comment and humiliate someone in front of others. “A fool takes no pleasure in understanding, but only in expressing his opinion.” Proverbs 18:2    (ouch!)

Gossip:  Ok, so this is an obvious one right?  Not always. Depending on the motive of the heart, the sharing of a “prayer request” can just end up being gossip in sheep’s clothing.  Be careful you are not spilling another’s secret out of jealousy or simply the need to be heard. And beware; you may end up repeating what is an outright lie!  “Rumors are dainty morsels that sink deep into one's heart.” Proverb 18:8;  “Do not go about spreading slander among your people…” Leviticus 19:16, “And the tongue is a fire, a world of unrighteousness…” James 3:6

I recently sat down to talk with a friend and she shared these very wise guidelines with me. It is a test for all the things we speak

Before we talk, we should ask three questions…

Is it kind?    Can you say it and still be kind?   Are the words you speak truly kind and sincerely loving?

Is it needful?   Is it necessary? Is someone in danger if it is not said? Is it the right time and place for saying it? 

Is it truthful?  Is it true? Not by my standards of truth but by God’s standards. Am I about to repeat a lie?

 So many things in life are torn down by our own words. This test is a good representation of God’s instruction on avoiding the mean girl thing. God calls us to be all about His glory.

 “The words of the reckless pierce like swords, but the tongue of the wise brings healing.” Proverbs 12:18”

 Lord, please let me measure my words carefully, according to Your word and depending on Your spirit to guide me.

epic love...

Most girls have dreamt of love and a future with a family and the whole white picket fence thing.  There are a many more that have a dream of what their wedding will be down to the napkins and centerpieces, and they have held this fantasy in their memory even from childhood.  And of course, along with that ideal picture comes the image of that dreamy guy. It is this quandary that keeps girls circling the love/dating maze trying and hoping for true amore. Our proverbial Romeos and Juliets are frequently ill equipped to recognize true love from a fake and God made us girls and guys wired very differently and with varying needs and focuses when it comes to relationships - so when we don’t know any better, we may settle for something less than God intends. There is nothing wrong with the desire for a singular sweetheart to love always and forever but it is just so crucial to see all of this from God’s perspective instead of seeing it through the rosy lens of what our favorite romantic flick conjures up in our fascination.

Don’t get me wrong, I appreciate a good and honest romance story and probably hold the record for reading and re-reading all of Jane Austin’s novels and viewing every film adaptation thereof. And having been married over 21 years now, I have a box full of cards and love letters from my hubby to rival anything Mr. Darcy ever wrote.  It is my romantic inclinations that make me pull them out now and then to read a few.  Although the actions of a beau to his beloved are very important to a girl, words of devotion and endearment on the written page are a high priority when it comes to the matters of a girl’s heart. I am pretty attached to the affectionate words that Drew wrote me during our early courtship. They remind of that time when God was healing past hurts and bringing us together. Many of his sentimental expressions to me echo in my mind and even after all these years the remembrance of those utterances makes my heart go pitter-pat.  He would often tell me that our meeting was a dream come true and tell me I was a gift from God.  On the day we got engaged, he gave me a Valentine’s Day card which read; “I will always be faithful to you…God put a band-aid on our hearts when He gave us each other.” Inside, Drew had used a band-aid to tape my engagement ring to the card and asked me to marry him that day.  Sigh…. It brings me back to that time as if it just happened and I can say that it probably means even more now than it did then, corny though it may be to some.  I also cherish all the letters I’ve kept that contain reminders from Drew to remain committed to putting Jesus first and not get focused on myself and my wants. These endearments bring to mind that moment I knew my life would change and I also knew, even before he asked that I was going to marry this guy. 

But the very best love letter, I must say, is far and away the perfect expression of authentic love ever written and that is the Bible; God’s very own words. It is a letter of love to us and we may take it a little too much for granted sometimes when it is different from any other letter; not merely ink and paper but an alive and eternally soul shattering record of God’s perfect love.  These are His very words composed so affectionately of genuine faithfulness, love, and compassion. Promises from God our Savior who makes an everlasting covenant with those He calls His own (Jeremiah 32:40), comforts us with an unfailing love (Psalm 119:76), carries our tears in a bottle (Psalm 56:8), loves us even if our own mother or father may forget or forsake us (Psalm 27:10, Isaiah 49:15), has engraved us on the palms of His hands (Isaiah 49:16), will quiet us with His love (Zephaniah 3:17),discerns by His love those who truly know Him and is love Himself (1 John 4:8), has suffered and died taking our punishment in order to save us and give us the gift of grace(Isaiah 53:5, Romans 5:8, 1 John 4:9-11, John 3:16), and nothing in creation can separate us from His love( Romans 8:38-39); He will not deny a broken heart and a contrite spirit and is near to the broken hearted (Psalm 51:17, Psalm 34:18). I could go on and on to list references to those words that are of loving and firm instruction and some that are to expose the depravity of our hearts, and then others that are the foretelling of the promised Savior that came to earth and the revealing of promises yet to come; but there is not enough room here for all that could be said of the precious gift of Scripture.  And all of this was given freely even when we would reject Him by our faithless hearts and not love Him first and only.  I will never forget the moment when Jesus pierced my heart, opened up my eyes and I sat there, reading through tears, words that were a mirror of my soul’s condition … and then knowing how desperately I needed Him, I continued reading words of love that He had laid down His life for me, He would take me as beggarly as I am, cleanse me, make me new… and make me called by His name…His child. I still don’t fully comprehend His love and am convinced of the fact  that I don’t deserve it, but I do know that belonging to Christ is the greatest romance anyone could ever experience and even the most profound earthly love pales in the light and glory of Jesus and eternity.  It is only because of His love that a girl can know the difference between a selfish earthly love and an honest love ordained by Him to glorify Him…and we can discern when someone is playing or pretending at love to selfishly reap a personal benefit or if they are submitted to the Author of love and want God’s highest best for us.  What a tragedy to bind God’s words of love and put it away in a box on a shelf somewhere…only to get it out and read occasionally - when in the Bible,  in this letter,  are the words of Life,  Truth,  Grace, and Salvation.  Epic, amazing, LOVE.

“We love because He first loved us.” 1 John 4:19

Oh Lord, thank You for loving us!

dear friend...

I would probably call this blog a “devotional” of sorts; with the goal being to get girls talking about how to live the Christian life and devote themselves to sharing that life with others. I definitely have taken the opportunity to share personal experiences - at times in the form of encouragement and at times as a warning against running down a path that might make a girl vulnerable to danger. So the story I will share - about one of my very best friends - is no exception -  and a big motivator God has used in my life to share what He designed relationships to be. With the month of February being Teen Dating Violence Awareness and Prevention Month – what I am about to share is even more important than ever…

My friend was a beautiful young girl who became one of my best friends during my college years. I met her when she was staying with her sister’s family. This family attended the church where I had just joined after coming to faith in Christ. She was a constant source of encouragement to me. She and her entire family reached out to me and treated me as one of their own and the memories of my time with all of them are so precious. My friend always sought to remind me to seek Jesus first and to trust Him more with all areas of my life. I ended up going to college about an hour away. We kept in touch but time and our busy schedules made it difficult. Through her continued encouragement, she would point out God's providence in my circumstances and I began to see she was right about trusting God...because He is in control of even the smallest details of our lives. This authentic fellowship is what I never knew I always craved in a true friend, and it's what God intends for us as believers. I made some big changes at that point in my life and not too long after that, I met my future husband. I also got news that she had become pretty serious with a guy from her hometown. This was a guy she had known for a while. She had started dating him, but had chosen not to share too many details surrounding their relationship; even with me and even during a visit I had with her during a break from school. I would find out why much later - that he had become a controlling and manipulating force in her life and she had found herself bound in a situation that was hard to untangle.

Many girls find themselves in the same situation with someone that they are dating. Girls sometimes feel they are responsible to help a guy get over his problems and think they might be able to love their guy through the pain and anger they feel. I have met a few girls in this situation and they have all told me that they ended up erroneously thinking it was their own fault that their guy couldn’t find victory over the pain and anger that fueled their outbursts. In the end, another victim was born out of this mind set. But God made you for more than that and He would never call you to be damaged and attacked in that way. Abusive relationships of one kind or another occur every day and sometimes they end with tragic consequences.

Summarily, here are just a few statistics - and these are just some of the statistics relating to teen girls/dating relationships…

- Almost 1.5 million high school students nationwide experience physical abuse from a dating partner in a single year and statistics tell us that most are young girls.

- One out of three adolescents in the U.S. is a victim of physical, sexual, emotional or verbal abuse from a dating partner. It should be noted that this far exceeds the rates of other types of youth violence. Think about it, more than any other type of youth violence you might hear about daily on the six o’clock news….

- One out of four high school girls has been a victim of physical or sexual abuse from a guy friend or dating partner.

Again, these represent only a few of the statistics out there and since many girls don’t ever tell anyone what happened to them in an abusive relationship, the real statistics are very elusive. When speaking to girls coming out of an abusive relationship, one thing has been clear to me: most stay in the pattern of abuse because of either fear for themselves or for their family members. This is what happened to my dear friend. My friend lost her life at the hands of her abuser. Only later did anyone find out that she stayed in contact with this guy as long as she did because of threats he made against her - and her family.

So according to what statistics tell us….when I am at a youth event or camp, and I look out at the faces of these teen girls, it is possible that one out of every four of them has, in some way, been a victim of some kind of abuse and many have never told anyone. And listen to me on this, the church is not immune to this. Let’s do everything we can and use every resource God gives us to stop any and all abuse from happening (not just dating abuse). God can overcome the sin of abuse just like any other, but girls are not meant to put themselves in the place of the rescuer or becoming vulnerable to danger.

"It (Love) does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful..." 1 Corinthians 13:5

“My child, don’t go along with them! Stay far away from their paths. “Proverbs 1:15

O Lord, open our eyes to real love…and to see things the way You see them so we can reach out for help or help someone we see who is in trouble.

*There are many resources out there. Please don’t let abuse continue. Talk to someone trustworthy and call out for help right away!

 

Helpful resources that offer support, information and advocacy to those involved in dating abuse relationships as well as concerned friends, parents, teachers, clergy, law enforcement and service providers, and for referrals to get help:

National Domestic Violence Hotline 800-799-SAFE (7233)

National Teen Dating Abuse Helpline  1-866-331-9474

http://www.focusministries1.org/