We
have all heard the saying, “If you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything
at all.” The saying at our house is “Only kind words.” Truth be told, we are all prone to spout from
the pit of our flesh and not the core of the spirit God gives us. Then we
either end up with self-loathing regret or constantly making excuses for our
lingual lapses. It takes a pro-active, premeditated approach on our part,
keeping in mind that words matter to God (just read Matthew 12:36 and James chapter
3) …and mean words and actions can be harmful to the hearts He created.
Moreover, our ability to be an example of a girl after God’s own heart can bear
a serious blemish due to the “mean girl” reputation. I have to say, I have regrets about my own
mean words. I have also seen it in the
church, young and old. So let’s talk about what exactly this mean stuff is. We
don’t get to define it for ourselves; God has already outlined it in his word.
Criticism: Although this word is not always used to
express fault –finding, it is commonly taken to mean some kind of disapproval. Often under the pretense of helpful guidance,
a word or two may be spoken and have unintended consequence. We may make a seemingly simple comment about someone’s
abilities, ideas, or appearance not knowing we have cut to the quick on a
sensitive subject. “Speaking the truth in love…” (Ephesians
4:15) does not imply that you can smile at your friend while you say her
outfit is ugly or her make-up is awful. That verse (and really the whole
chapter) is a call to tell the truth about Christ without sugarcoating it or
watering it down…and without being self-righteous or prideful. The beginning of Ephesians chapter 4 tells us to “…live a life worthy of the calling you have received. Be
completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love.” There
may be something going on in a person's heart, something that needs healing or a word of encouragement. Think before
you speak. It is not OK to slam someone and call it constructive criticism.
Unnecessary input: My husband often tells our kids: “Just because
you have a lot of thoughts or opinions about something, doesn’t mean you always
have to share them.” This is true. Maybe we don’t possess the place of authority
to say something or we don’t know all the facts. Unnecessary input can further
complicate an already tense situation. Often friendship and support, or just knowing
you are there pray and listen is what is necessary. The timing or setting may not be right either.
It can be unnecessarily cruel to comment and humiliate someone in front of
others. “A fool takes no pleasure in understanding, but only in
expressing his opinion.”
Proverbs 18:2 (ouch!)
Gossip: Ok,
so this is an obvious one right? Not
always. Depending on the motive of the heart, the sharing of a “prayer request”
can just end up being gossip in sheep’s clothing. Be careful you are not spilling another’s
secret out of jealousy or simply the need to be heard. And beware; you may end
up repeating what is an outright lie! “Rumors are dainty morsels that sink
deep into one's heart.” Proverb 18:8; “Do not go about spreading slander among
your people…” Leviticus 19:16, “And
the tongue is a fire, a world of unrighteousness…” James
3:6
I
recently sat down to talk with a friend and she shared these very wise guidelines
with me. It is a test for all the
things we speak
Before
we talk, we should ask three questions…
Is it kind? Can
you say it and still be kind? Are the words you speak truly kind and
sincerely loving?
Is it needful? Is it necessary? Is someone in danger if
it is not said? Is
it the right time and place for saying it?
Is it truthful? Is
it true? Not by my standards of truth but by God’s standards. Am I about to
repeat a lie?
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